I have run into a conundrum and I am turning to the internet to gather my thoughts.My four year old has become slightly obsessed with death. You heard me correctly, my darling cherubic daughter has become a burgeoning Wednesday Adams. I am not sure what to do.
It started innocently enough, with Disney; some of the Disney Princess movies to be precise. I guess I never noticed this, but there is a lot of death in fairy tales. Many of the princesses are missing a mother or a father or both. The movies gloss over this morbid fact, but from Tiana in the Princess and the Frog to Snow White, it is not uncommon for one of these heroines to live without at least one parent. I guess I understand this, without a missing mom you can never have an evil stepmother which is a catalyst for many of the stories. I mean, what would Cinderella be without her horrible stepmother? I learned from watching Tangled with Maddie that I would much rather have the villain be a stepmother than an actual mother. (That opened up a whole other issue. Madison STILL calls me MUDDER when she is displeased with me, in her best Rapunzel voice.)
In addition to the death of parents Maddie also was influenced by a term she made up called deaded, another something she learned from these movies. “I’m deaded,” she says and then flops to the ground awaiting a kiss. Two of her favorites, Sleeping Beauty and Snow White, both fall under a curse and slip into… well I guess they are in a coma? Huh, never really thought about that either. It is deeper than a sleep, but not quite dead and quite confusing for a four year old. And all these beautiful princesses need to be revived is a kiss from her true love; simple right?
Simple until you lose a couple of fish… and mommy doesn’t want to kiss them. I don’t know which would have been more traumatic, watching mommy make out with a dead beta fish or seeing that mommy’s kiss isn’t as magical as she has sold it to be. Added to the mix, is an avid hunter for a daddy. A daddy who thinks nothing of calling us out to take picture with his latest kill, smiling proudly with a dead duck, buck or turkey. It takes some getting used to. (I revert to my mantra… find a happy place find a happy place. I am not quite altogether used to it.) The first time Madison witness one of Daddy’s deer she asked him to fix it. So between a liar for a mommy (no magical kisses) and a killer for a daddy (he has an entire photo album devoted to his conquests) we have unintentionally scarred our child for life.
So began the questions. “Why do fish die?” Hmmm, it is just a part a life and it is sad but your fish is in heaven now. “Do people die?” Well, everyone dies honey, but don’t worry. Most people don’t die until they are very old. “So when is great-grandma Kate going to die? She is old.” That question I side stepped with candy.Don’t judge, you would have done the same thing.
Yesterday, while sitting on the toilet, she asked when she is going to die. After a momentary thought that my child was the reincarnated Elvis (she really really likes music and swaying her hips AND peanut butter) I stammered out why? She looked at me like it was a ridiculous question. “I just want to know, if everyone dies…” she let the thought trail off. I told her not for a long time I hope. I told her that mommy and daddy would really miss her. All the while I am panicking, WHY does my kid keep asking me this question? Then she says, “Well, I want to know about heaven.”
Heaven, I think I can handle. I mean, it’s paradise right? So how hard can that be to explain to a four year old? Apparently very. I started off saying that heaven was a place filled with happiness and love. It was everything that she could ever want it to be. Seemingly satisfied she went off to play for a bit. She came back a few minutes later with her swimming suit.
“Mom, tomorrow we need to go to heaven to swim in the pool.”
What?
Looking annoyed she said, “Well you said heaven could be anything I want it to be. I want it to be a big swimming pool. Can we go tomorrow?”
So, to my four year old daughter, heaven is a swimming pool where her fish and her long passed family all swim together. It’s as good a thought as any I guess.
a life just ordinary 